How to Make Disappointment Hurt Less
Would it be of value to you to learn how to influence your perception in such a way that your many disappointments just aren’t as severe as they may possibly be? For most the answer is yes.
Noted biologist, Benjamin Lipton, states that “reality is in the mind of the observer”. This means that you have the choice to decide what meaning you will give to everything that happens to you.
You can make up any “story” about what happens. Quantum theory supports this stating that reality exists only in states of potential outcomes, possibilities, and that it is up to you to select the outcome interpretation of your choice. Once that selection is made all other possibilities cease to exist.
Consider the following.
John has a successful retirement planning business. He has an in-house marketing department, a client services department, administrative staff, an in-house bookkeeper and a receptionist. John has five additional advisors working in his organization. They appreciate the fact that that their clients are the firms clients and they sign non-compete and non disclosure agreements.
Fast forward two years later. Two of the advisors leave the firm and take almost all of their clients with them. John is devastated and initiates a law suit.
John is more than devastated. He is mad! He has resentment and wants revenge! John is doing what I call “Double Duty”. Not only have the facts occurred, two advisors left the firm and breached their agreement by illegally taking clients and assets with them, and he is also upset about it.
John is suffering from the three R’s, Resentment, Resistance, Revenge. This will impact his health as his body sees this as real threat to his well being and creates the release of peptides and destructive hormones that take a heavy toll on his physiology. John needs to let go!
This doesn’t mean that he doesn’t continue to do what he needs to do for his lawsuit and for the possibility of communicating with his clients in the hopes of keeping them. What it means is that he doesn’t allow this to upset him at the same time.
Here is how you gain control of your physiology and your thoughts. The first step is to realize that whatever happens to you is neutral. It has no meaning. It is your internal dialogue, your own thinking, that gives meaning to everything that happens to you.
You can assign any type of meaning to anything that happens to you. What are some possible interpretations that John can have related to his advisors leaving? Try these positive meanings:
- This is a lesson to me about developing a relationship with my advisors and with the clients that may have prevented this from happening in the first place.
- These clients were never loyal to the firm and although I’m sorry to see them leave I realize that life will be easier without them. Plus they were never a source of referrals anyway.
- This will be the motivation that I need to replace these assets and further grow my business.
Here are some negative interpretations:
- How dare these advisors leave me and steal my clients. They will pay for this.
- I’ll call every client and tell them that this was an illegal action and that they are the firms clients and insist that they stay.
- This is terrible horrible and awful and I’m calling my broker dealer.
All of these are possible realities waiting for you to make a selection. Which set of meanings best serves you?
Here is a model for you to use for future disappointments. Visualize three circles. Circle one, something happens.
This is neutral. There is no meaning in whatever happens.
You are stuck in traffic-it doesn’t mean anything until you say so.
Someone lies to you-it doesn’t mean anything until you say so.
Someone doesn’t do what they said they would do- it doesn’t mean anything until you say so.
A large case you are working on gets stopped because one of the clients’ other advisors doesn’t understand how you are using a large premium financed insurance policy inside of an off shore super freeze trust to protect an estate from tax liability- it doesn’t mean anything until you say so.
You have a teacher conference for your son or daughter in school and the teacher is rude- it doesn’t mean anything until you say so.
You travel cross country for a company conference that gets cancelled while you are in the air due to a bad weather forecast- it doesn’t mean anything until you say so.
The list can go on and on. Circle one is just the facts. Something happened. Circle two is where you make up a story where you give meaning to the facts. Circle three is where you live your life as if your meaning was true. If this leads to the three R’s, the I say change your story.
You live in a world where multiple realities exist so it is up to you to take responsibility for the story you make up about what the facts mean. The facts are that two advisors leave your company and take their clients with them. That’s it. It is not terrible, horrible and awful. It just is.
The fact is that you are in traffic. Period! You are going to be late for an appointment, you hate wasting time, this is terrible is all a conversation that you are making up that does nothing for you but make you upset.
Here is a tough love core principle: “I am the source of all that I experience-versus going victim and blaming others.”
You are the only one who can make you upset. Again, I’ll emphasize that this doesn’t mean that you don’t take the appropriate actions, but what it does mean is that you don’t do double duty. Not only does the fact occur but you are also upset about it. Change your story. Find to benefit or positive out of everything that happens to you. There are two structures in the limbic area of the brain called the septum and the amygdale. When the electrical activity is in the amygdale you have a shut down of the receptor sites for endorphins and dopamine, the feel good chemicals that the brain naturally releases.
When the electrical activity is in the amygdale you are upset and are not able to be your best. However, you can shift which area of your brain is being stimulated simply by shifting your thoughts. This is much more than wishful thinking or unrealistically positive thinking. This is based on physiology. You owe it to yourself and to your clients to be the best that you can be. You are a protector of lifestyles and dreams. It is your responsibility to be at your best. Protect your thinking and select powerful interpretations. It’s your choice.